Wedding season is upon us. (And not just the summer judicial season that promises to bring three v. important decisions about same-sex marriage.) Sadly, some poor soul thinks she is the first woman to use Gerbera daises in her ceremony, and somewhere some idiot is planning a lame toast to the couple.

I’m an ice queen, but I am truly happy for people who find someone who accepts all their flaws and hot-messiness and decides to enter into an agreement with them to live together, accrue debt together, maybe procreate, and spend the rest of eternity arguing about who takes the trash out. It can be a really beautiful thing.

However, I am not happy for people who enjoy a different and better life than their neighbors because of faulty laws and hate. It pains me to attend weddings knowing that it's a voluntary act that benefits one group of people over another. It's especially insulting when it's two people who claim to be allies and who have gay friends and relatives, yet consider it socially acceptable to flaunt this privilege in their face.

Straight allies who insist that they support marriage equality, but go on to get married themselves, are supporting a system of hatred and discrimination.

I take the word ally very seriously. I have expectations for people who claim the word ally. You can't be an ally in name only. Otherwise, you're wasting my time.

And I have yet to hear a valid reason from a straight ally that explains why their choice to get married makes total sense for them while all the LGBTQ people in their life remain without the option to legally marry or not marry.

I wanted to understand this phenomenon, so I spoke with David Caldwell, who is straight and married. More importantly, David has spent many years and countless hours organizing local LGBT movements in several states. He’s more advocate than merely an ally.

I asked him why he chose to get married while working to advance marriage equality and other anti-discrimination measures. David’s response: "On the rational side: I'm not persuaded that refusing to get married will help to bring forward the day that everyone can get married. I just can't see how me being unmarried would do anything to change the minds of the people whose minds we need to change. So I try to make a difference in the ways I believe I can: community organizing, and working to activate LGBT people and allies, and working to persuade opponents to change their minds about allowing gay people to marry."

He speaks from his extensive field experience to point out: “Our research in California and elsewhere indicates that swing voters on marriage believe that marriage is an important institution to which they aspire. They fear that gays and lesbians are trying to change the institution, and I think that celebrating the institution and emphasizing that same-sex couples want to join the institution — to get married for the same reasons opposite-sex couples do — is the important way to advance the understanding of these swing voters.”

How many married people are like David? Not many.

Yet even when super-supportive allies promote online petitions and pay lip service at their ceremonies, how can people who claim to support gay rights sign on, with a swoop of ink, to a system that blatantly discriminates against an entire group of people?

Because they can. Because it's easy. Because they want to advocate from a distance. Because they don't want to be uncomfortable. Because they don't want to know what it is like to be denied a full life with the person they love.

That would be too hard. It's much easier to slap a Human Rights Campaign sticker on their bumper and call it a day. And maybe many of them can't pass up the opportunity to get a mixer or a new serving set.

The least they can do is insist that all their guests write a check to the local LGBT activist organization in the name of marriage equality. Money speaks louder than empty rhetoric at the altar.

"But wait!" all you married straight allies say. All of your gay friends are invited, and they're really happy for you! The photographer is a lesbian and the hairstylist, florist, musical director, makeup artist and planner are all gay and they are all super happy for you!

I wonder about all The Gays™ that operate within the wedding industry. In Part Two, I find out how they reconcile working as part of a construct not available to them.

Comments (6)

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AMEN
written by Robert Stockham , July 12, 2010

As a man in a relationship for over 18 years, I am getting pretty sick of attending weddings for someone else. I have vowed not to attend another until I can get married. I get it that getting married or not will likely do little for the cause right now, but that is because everyone is still getting married. If all the right wing conservatives have the choice between allowing gays to marry or everyone "living in sin" they might rethink their game plan. Truth be told, we all know that married couples have access to a thousand rights that unmarrieds do. Some of these rights can make or break a couple (access to health insurance, for example) so I cannot begrudge them getting married. On the other hand,don't be offended when I don't show up with a toaster in hand at your ceremony that only emphasizes that my 18 years committed to one person doesn't count in the eyes of the law or the the government.

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Strength in numbers...
written by Jane Reilly , July 12, 2010

There are so many people out there worthy of wrath aside from straight allies. I think a strategy that keeps the energy focused on the real problem is a more worthwhile endeavor. Let's embrace our friendships, be grateful for each other and, in the spirit of the Gay Pride parade, march together to a better future.

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That just doesn't fly...
written by Hank Drake , July 14, 2010

I'm not going to ask my nephew to deprive himself from getting married because of laws that have been in place since long before any of us were born. It's like asking mono-racial couples in the 1950s not to get married because of the anti-miscegenation laws in place at the time. It does nothing to change the laws in place and only serves to divide us from our allies.

The fact that my other half has been invited to the wedding along with me is a sign of progress, and would have been unthinkable 20 short years ago. Sometimes long journeys are the result of accumulated small steps.

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You're flying to the wrong conclusion
written by MariaM , July 14, 2010

Well, Hank, this isn't about misery loves company. This is about developing empathy and admitting privilege. If allies and gays can have an honest discussion about heterosexual privilege and how marriage--a completely voluntary institution--underscores that, then the roots of respect will be deeper. I think part of the journey to any equality is acknowledging one's privileges. We all know (I hope) that privilege is the cornerstone of patriarchy and patriarchy only serves to oppress others. Marriage inequality is a symptom of this.

I will go to the wedding of a sorority sister and dear friend of almost ten years soon. I couldn't be more happy for her. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be flying across the country to sit in a Catholic Church with my girlfriend. Of course, we want the people we love to be happy, but it doesn't negate the fact that their happiness is also part of another person's oppression.

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Selective Advocacy
written by A. Fischer , July 14, 2010

Maria, I definitely see your point, but what you're proposing is just not practical. I completely agree with the quote you supplied from David Caldwell.

Being a strong supporter of LBGTQ rights, I feel that if I decided not to get married and told non-allies that it was in support of LBGTQ rights, it would have little affect on their opinions of LBGTQ rights, let alone the laws.

I think you're wasting your energy on being upset about this, when there are bigger obstacles in the way of LBGTQ rights. I'll reiterate the point that everyone should be thankful for the support they do receive and the friends that stand by them in any way.

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Examining privilege is never a waste of energy
written by MariaM , July 15, 2010

Fischer: I don't think my column expresses rage or the sentiment of being wildly upset. I'm also not demanding a boycott as other more radical LGBTQ activists have demanded in the past. I'm asking us to stop and think about our privilege. Specifically for straight people who align themselves with this movement. I don't believe that allies deserve a break from scrutiny just because they're on our side and to expect me to be grateful for your support is highly presumptuous. We all have to check our privileges as we ally ourselves with marginalized populations.

I've simply pointed out that it's rather uncomfortable and disheartening to attend wedding after wedding of people who call themselves allies despite the overall feeling of support and happiness you have for them and I know I am not the only queer person who feels this way. Our feelings are valid and should not be discounted.

We would never celebrate, for example, white privilege the way we celebrate heterosexual privilege through the wedding act. At the very least, isn't this some sort of screwed up irony?

Also, there is a part two to this column and David Caldwell elaborates on his marriage. I think the emotion of making the decision to marry (or not) is important to consider and I think readers will appreciate it.

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