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It’s the biggest queer holiday that doesn’t involve an ostentatious display of rainbow colors and girl-and-guitar performances: Halloween.
And it involves a heckuva lot of work. After all, you can wear those pink hot pants of yours to Pride after Pride, but bring that cheerleader costume out for two consecutive Hallows’ Eves and tongues will be wagging.
Still, in this Great Recession, spending a lot of money for a one-time costume doesn’t seem responsible. And with just days to go until endless parties, contests and bar events, if you aren’t started yet, you better get cracking.
So Spangle has your 10 quick, easy — and cheap — suggestions for Halloween 2009 costumes.
Queer Icons
Lady Gaga :: How easy is it to emulate pop’s hot new thing? Easy: Just buy a long, blond wig and find the most ridiculous thing you can attach to it. Honestly, just go to Autozone and buy a muffler, strap it to your head and you’re ready to party.
Rachel Maddow :: Throw on a sharp, tailored suit; style your hair into a fashionable, lip-stick ‘do; slap on a pair of designer glasses; and you become this super-hot lezzie. No fair if you’re already a super-hot lezzie, though. If that’s the case, do all of the above, but tell everyone you’re one of the Jo. Bros.
Zombie Bea Arthur :: It’s the first Halloween since losing our fave Golden Girl, but not too soon for a little irreverent fun. Since you probably already have a Bea costume stored away from a past year, just buy a $10 black-and-gray makeup kit from Target. If you don’t have one on hand, just add a white wig and fashion a muumuu out of one of your mom’s old ‘70s sheets. Enjoy a meal of ex-hubbie Stan’s brains for authenticity.
Celebrities
Octomom :: Sure, there will be all kinds of ladies (and boys dressed as ladies) who have strapped eight baby dolls to their body to become this year’s most famous mother. So do this instead: Buy a cheap red or black beanbag chair. Cut a hole in the bottom and drain out all of the filling, then cut holes for your head and arms. Voila! Now you’re Octomom’s uterus.
Balloon Boy :: The easy way out is to simply wrap yourself in aluminum foil and call yourself Balloon Boy. To ramp it up a notch, also carry a bucket of live crickets (you can get them at your nearest PetSmart) and eat one every 10 minutes. Now you’re Balloon Boy on the 2024 edition of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.
Politics
DADT :: Why pay for a costume? Wear your civvies, and if anyone asks, just tell people you’re one of the nearly 300 servicemembers discharged under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell during the Obama administration.
Healthcare :: Paint on a black eye (or just punch yourself in the face) and tell everyone you’re one of the numerous women denied health insurance because domestic violence is considered a pre-existing condition.
Northeast Ohio
Cleveland.com :: Buy two pieces of poster board, write the most racist, homophobic and anti-woman things you can on them, tape them to yourself front and back and bingo! You’re a Cleveland.com commenter.
The Browns :: Pick up a couple of packages of Giant Eagle butter and attach them to your hands. If people don’t get it, just explain you’re a member of the Browns receiving corps. And if there’s a contest at the party/bar, don’t bother showing up to compete, ‘cause our Brownies wouldn’t either!
Losers :: Grab an old white T-shirt, use a black marker to write “Boston 2014 Gay Games Committee” on it, and cry a lot. Oh, snap!
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